you miss my big massive throbbing cock dont you?
Woah.
that's not how you spell hell yes.
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
that is very illegal...i love you.
And then he peed in my hair
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