see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
Randomize
