dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
I may or may not have melted a dent into the top of my minifridge with my hot glue gun, which I left on for the past couple hours unsupervised, while we were on our salvo/savers excursion. Welcome to Halloween in college.
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Randomize
