Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
