I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
We just made watching Intervention into a drinking game. We drink everytime someone does drungs.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
