You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
So..I walked into his bathroom and found a bong and a blender in the shower.....normal?
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Randomize
