just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
we went to a bar last night, drank beer in plastic cups. I took pics w/a random kid i pulled into a photobooth & i have easy mac in my purse. I belong here.
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
I just got a call from the front desk apparently one of my feiends was dropped off by a handicap bus passed out in a wheel chair unlv is goig down
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
Randomize
