I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
no more hot dogs for you........
fine no more vajj for you
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
Fuckkkk i made out with a freshman.....but he's old for his age. THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOURE NOT AROUND.
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
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