we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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