she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
From the prices on this menu it looks like I have no choice. I have to blow him.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
You dont lie about slip and slides
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
he was high. i was rolling face. we were both wearing grateful dead t shirts. at that point it's like we had no choice but to fuck
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
Randomize
