I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Randomize
