This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
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