i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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