I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
That's right. I did.
You are the saddest 25 year old gay man I've ever had the displeasure of knowing.
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
Randomize
