my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Randomize
