so i was creeping on him today and there was like nothing new except he became a fan of getting dome
i wish i could be like. "i like giving dome, lets be friends"
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
Randomize
