Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
Instead of a promise ring i got my clit peirced, its a promise that ill always give you ass! =]
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
Randomize
