At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
The last thing I remember is pushing my way into the bathroom and dumping a 40 on him. We havent talked since.
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
Pretty sure my body is in shock, I shouldn't feel this ok after last nite.
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
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