WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
Randomize
