You made me cry and you don't even care
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
threw up in the library. i should be embarrassed, but i'm willing to bet that i'm one of the first so i'm kinda proud.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
Randomize
