make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
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the lesbians just got naked and went into the ocean... this never happened when i was a camper.
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
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It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦🏼♀️
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