It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
Obviously he considers you not fucking him as fucking up. Thus making him fuck up. Based on this I believe he should be disqualified from the race to your vagina.
You pole danced in your parka.
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
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