I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
Randomize
