If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
