i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
you asked a group of latinas stood by the bar to hold a minutes silence for ugly betty getting cancelled. that drunk.
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
Randomize
