I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
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