I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
Randomize
