I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
Randomize
