Richard, I just read on your Twitter account that you have enjoyed a, "Much needed post birthday smoothie..."...A bit revealing, no?
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Randomize
