I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
Randomize
