meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
so we'll all just be running around naked, basically. and high.
Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
Randomize
