so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
All three women i have fucked in the past week are here in the same bar. Gameface, go.
Gonna go for any of them?
Thursday night girl, but friday is watching and tuesday is serving us.
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
