it seems that i get a boner from just about everything now
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
You know you're wathing too much reality TV when you start adding commentary to every day life.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
