If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
There r osticjed everywhere
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
So I just went to clothing optional bar
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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