You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
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Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
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I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
I came so hard my ears popped.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
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