Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
Well you just missed the ten chi o pledges singing la bamba at our doorstep.
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
Pavlovs bj experiment 2012. Welcome to the program.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
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