when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
Randomize
