He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
He had an itunes playlist named "def not Glee season 1" which contained all of Glee season 1
Church boner. Awkwardddd
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
We met up and made out in front of an empanada spot, if that's not romance then idk what is.
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
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