Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
sometimes I think that if I just met him. he would have a crazy realization and fall madly in love with me. what do you say? I'm not just another fan.
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
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