my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Randomize
