Smith looks like a guy that goes on a lot of first dates
Is making out on a toilet while he is sitting down and pissing weird? cause that's what happened last night
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
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