Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
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