i was rollin on her like bob the builder
I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
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