There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
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