My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
Yah man, that place is surreal
Man, I'm from Tennessee. What the fuck is surreal?
about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
