I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
We're knee deep in HJ's right now.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
Gregs sitting in the living room in his underwear hitting the bong watching a rob schneider movie. His lack of fuck giving is inspirational
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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