Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
Randomize
