I love sluts.
I end my prayers with that every single night.
he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
I'm dangerously close to tossing this whole "morals" bullshit and swan-diving into the fuckboy lifestyle.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
Randomize
