You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
the bus pole looks like a man who feels guiltyty about something
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
she broke up with me using backstreet boy lyrics
you deserved it if you knew it was backstreet boys.
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
You're right, I'd say my real all time low was when I let that fifteen-year-old feel my boob.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
Randomize
