ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
Randomize
