Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
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