I'm eating all of the evidence.
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
Justin has passed out on the toilet in a locked stall. Stay tuned for pics.
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