he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
is it really weird I just got "suckable tits" in my honesty box and I'm flattered??
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
Randomize
